Haw! Wit te dea wi yer haggis ciz ye bout too much, aye? Also, the perfect hangover cure.

Hello, hello, hello.
How's it go'in? 
So yes......
Happy Burns Day one and all.
Hope you celighed  the wee small hours away last night.
So, ye've still got a big wad o' haggis eh? 
And a stinkin hangover?

Aw, ma poor heid. Coffee and sunglasses and a wee can o' Bru. That'll sort me right oot. 

No worries. I have the the cure.

A hangover curer you say? Yippeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

But first...... Watch this video from Gloryhammer. "The Unicorn Invasion of Dundee".
It'll give you a proper chuckle and make you forget you have the hangover for a few minutes. 





Well, the powers that be say that something fried will help your hangover. And you know how us Scots love our fried food (but only in organic, fair trade canola oil, Ya!)

This recipe requires very little effort whatsoever. Is quick to cook, requires mostly leftovers and not much movement. 
So can can make it quick, get it doon ye, go back to the couch, sling your duvet over you, drink some cold Irn Bru and get back to watching Taggart.

bew bew bew ,beddle de bow ,bow bow.

Haggis and bean potato cakes

Och Aye. Ah'll jist hea a wee dance. 

Makes 6

Ingredients:

200g haggis broken up
200g mashed potato
200g mashed turnip (swede)
1 tin baked beans with most of the sauce drained off (keep this to pour over chips. That's what i do).
6 spring onions sliced
1 tablespoon brown sauce
50g breadcrumbs
Pinch salt and pepper
Flour for dusting
Vegetable oil for frying

Heat your oven to 200 degrees or equivalent. 

Mix everything except the flour and oil in a big bowl then shape into 6 big patties.

Pour a few table spoons of oil into a frying pan and heat on medium.
Dust the patties in a little flour and fry for two minutes each side until nice and golden.

Place on a baking sheet and cook in the oven for 10 minutes. 
Serve with extra brown sauce. 
Braw!

Here's another video to help you get out your inner Braveheart.

Skiltron "Bagpipes of War".

Dance Magic Dance,

We are taking a little break from the METAAAAAAAAAL today to bring you a drinking game blog based around one of my all time favorite films, Labyrinth.

I saw my baby, crying hard as babe could cry. What could ah dooo oooh oooh??????

Labyrinth eh? What a film.
It's got it all. 
Fantasy, Romance, those pesky little Goblins and David Bowie's crotch.
What's not to love. 



I made this game for my buddies (with a little help from Google) as a wee Christmas present from me. 
Basically it's a selfish present though, as I want to play it my self.


I'm going to give you a recipe for a Magical Labyrinth themed punch that you can use as said alcohol for the game.

Magical because, it contains alcohol. 
The wonderful elixir that makes everyone pretty, your conversation witty and your dance moves pure amazing. 
Ha, thought I was going to rhyme that last one didn't you? 

I will say though that sober or drunk.... My dance moves are ALWAYS amazing.  True. 

So first I'll give you the punch recipe then the rules of the game shall follow.
If you wish you can  have shots of your favorite spirit instead of the punch, but the game is pretty full on. 
If ya canny hawd yer liquor, tak a sip instead. 

Jareth's Magical Elixir of Crotchety Goodness 

2 bottles cava or champagne of your choice
300ml Smirnoff Gold
300ml clear apple juice
100ml Elderflower cordial

Ooh, glittery.

THE RULES

You will need a copy of the film of course. 

Dressing as the characters is optional, unless you are a man with a huge package. Then it is mandatory that you wear tights.
You may take one shot or sip of your chosen poison depending on how drunk you require to be.

Let the game begin.

Take one shot/ sip when

*Someone says "It isn't fair".
*Hoggle sighs, grumbles or indulges in self pity.
*The Goblin King looks sad.
*Sarah quotes from the book.
*You see a clock.
*Someone gets Hoggle's name wrong.
*There's a riddle.
*Ludo says "Smeeeeeeeeeell".
*An inanimate object comes to life.
*Didymus tries to have a square go with someone.

Take two shots/ sips when

*There's a musical number

*Ludo summons rocks
*When the Goblin king plays with his balls
EACH PLAYER MUST ALSO SHOUT "BAWS" WHEN THIS HAPPENS. Any player who doesn't shout "baws" must take another shot/ sip.
*A Goblin says something intelligent (At players discretion).

*You see a gratuitous shot of the Goblin king's crotch. 
TAKE AN EXTRA SHOT IF YOU GET TURNED ON BY IT.

The winner is the person who is the most sober. 
Or the one who sees all the labyrinth characters in the room with them.

Game over.

We wish you a Metal Christmas.

Ho, ho, ho Merry Christmas........
Well, not quite yet. 

I frikin LOOOOOOVE Christmas.

I am one of those annoying people that loves everything about this time of year. 
Y'know, the one you see when your running around like a headless chicken, banging into people, trying to scramble for presents and I'm walking slowly around the shop with a big smug grin on my face because I'm just in for some more booze. 

Yes, I put my Christmas tree up on the 29th because I couldn't handle waiting any longer.
Yes, I have all my presents in and wrapped.
Yes, I have watched five versions of A Christmas Carol and about 20 other Christmas films so far.
Yes, I have four pairs of Christmas jammies.
Yes, I have eaten most of the chocolate out of my advent calendar because I'm greedy.
And yes, I've drank a bucket load of Mulled wine thus far.  

I  am the Spirit of Christmas.

I am so full of Christmas cheer (and coffee) that I might pop. 
If I do pop, it won't be blood and guts that come out. 
It will be glitter and Christmas baubles, and reindeer and mince pies and.........


Phew. I'd better clam down or I'll have a heart attack before Christmas even comes.


Here is an amazing Metal Christmas song for your delight. What a squeal this man has. Brilliant.




That was wonderful. 


I had planned to do an EPIC Christmas blog with loads of recipes for alternative mains (I hate roast turkey). 
But I've been far too busy dancing around my living room to "The Swing of Christmas"in my Christmas pants throwing tinsel around. 

So here's a few wee treats for you. 
This years festive recipes are as follows:

Asian Gravadlax
Baked Festive Ham
Smoked Sweet Potato Mash
Christmas Eton Mess that's actually nothing like Eton Mess (Deal with it)!
Christmas Punch

Asian Gravadlax

This is a four day process. It's really easy to make though, so don't let the time put you off.
if you want to pull a show stopper then get a whole side of salmon and double this recipe. It looks super fancy n shit. But I'll give you a recipe for 500g which should be enough for 6 people as a light starter. Serve it with bellinis or on prawn crackers and with chilli and lime spiked creme fraiche.

500g  super fresh as possible salmon fillet. Don't buy crappy pre packaged or frozen salmon. Go to a fishmonger or your fish counter and get them to take off the skin and the pin bones. 
50g salt
50g sugar
Quarter teaspoon cracked black pepper
big bunch corriander chopped
50ml sweet chilli sauce
15ml dark soy sauce
Juice and zest of 2 limes
Big knob fresh grated ginger

Mix the sugar, salt, pepper and corriander together
Lay the salmon on a large piece of cling film and cover both sides with the sugar, salt mixture.
Wrap the salmon up tightly in the cling film and place in a deep baking tray . Put another baking tray on top and weight down with some tins, shit you have in the fridge. As the weight will help it cure. 
Keep in the fridge for 3 days. Turning every 12 hours.
On the fourth day, unwrap the salmon and wipe of the marinade.
Place into another dish.
Mix the sweet chilli sauce, soy sauce, lime juice and zest and ginger then pour over the salmon. Making sure it's all covered in the marinade. 
Keep in the fridge for another 24 hours, again turning after 12. 
When ready to serve get a sharp knife and cut at an angle as thinly as possible. Serve with the above accompaniments. Ooh, that's a big word isn't it?

Next.

Baked Festive Ham 

You'll need a BIG pot and a meat thermometer.

1.5kg unsmoked gammon joint
1 stick celery choped roughly
1 carrot chopped roughly
5 pepper corns
1 stick cinnamon
1 star anis
half jar marmalade
150g muscavado sugar

Put your gammon into a large pot and cover completely with water as it's going to cook for quite some time. Put the celery, carrot and spices into the pot.
Put it on a high heat and bring to the boil. Turn down to a medium simmer. You'll probably need to cook it for about an hour. Check after half and hour by putting a meat thermometer into the middle of the meat. The ham is ready when it reaches 160 degrees. You might need to top up the water a couple of times while the ham is cooking to make sure it is fully submerged. Use freshly boiled water from the kettle.
Once the ham has reached temperature take it out of the pot and put onto a baking tray. Leave to cool. 
(Keep the cooking liquid if you like as it makes a good pea and ham soup using dried green split peas and left over ham).
Heat your oven to 200 degrees or equivalent. 
Take the top layer of skin off the ham making sure you leave a layer of the juicy fat. Mmmmmmmm.
Score the fat then smear in the marmalade then rub in the sugar.
Add a little water to the bottom of your baking tray to stop the bottom of the ham drying out. 
Place in the oven and bake for 20 to 30 minutes until the top is nice and golden.
You can eat it warm but if you cool it down it makes a good cold centre piece for your Christmas table.

The picture is a bit crappy as it was with my old camera. But you get the idea eh?

Smoked Sweet Potato mash

serves 4
3 large sweet potatoes peeled and chopped quite chunky. 
Glug olive oil
Teaspoon toasted pumpkin seed oil
Quarter teaspoon liquid smoke
1 teaspoon chipotle hot sauce
Big pinch salt and pepper

Heat your oven to 200 degrees or equivalent.

Toss the sweet potato with the olive oil, salt and pepper. Place into an oven tray and roast for about 30 minutes until fork tender.
Place into a bowl and add the pumpkin seed oil, liquid smoke and hot sauce and mash roughly. 
Done. Serve piping hot. 
If you stick marshmallows on it i'll punch you.

 Christmas Etonish Mess

Serves 4
500ml double cream
1 small Christmas pudding
2 punnets fresh blackberries
Glug brandy
100ml icing sugar

Whip the double cream and icing sugar together till it forms soft peaks. 
Add the brandy and whip for another few seconds.
Break up the Chrimo pud.
In your glasses put a layer of Christmas pudding, then scatter over some blackberries, then a layer of the whipped cream. 
Repeat again and top with a few more blackberries. 

Christmas Punch

1 bottle Prosecco
200ml Amaretto
200ml Cranberry juice
2 litre bottle coke. 
it tastes like Doctor pepper. Kinda.

If you want some nibbles to have with your Christmas Punch then buy a bag of crisps. I'm too busy getting drunk.

Merry Christmas everyone and a Happy New Year.
Appetite of Destruction over and out till 2014.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

SEX, DRUGS and SAUSAGE ROLLS.

The video choices today are a wee bit harder to explain than usual.

I'm doing a recipe for tasty homemade pork and apple sausage rolls.

Perfect comfort food for the "cauld" weather we're having. 

 Basically what I'm going to take with me to watch the fireworks on Guy Fawkes night.
I might get all nostalgic and actually try to burn down parliament............................................................

Sorry. I was just waiting to see if an armed response team was going to turn up? 
Clearly the powers that be are not hacking into my blogs and must have better things to do.


I needed a song that would go with porky sausage rolls so I was thinking....... Primus? "My name is mud", from the "Pork Soda" album? Or there was a video from a band called "Pork Sword" but that was shite misogynistic crap at it's worst. 
Check out the video if you want. I wouldn't bother.

Well anyone that know me knows that I LOVE LOVE LOVE Metal.
But I am an open minded soul. I love ALL music. Yes, I said it.

 ALL MUSIC.

I would describe myself as a "Music lover" not a "Metal head".

I'm just as happy dancing to Girls Aloud, Paul Simon, Neon Neon, or Frank Sinatra as I am  Pantera. 
I think it's because I get antsy if I don't go without dancing for an hour. Honestly.

Old blue eyes himself

There are great artists in all genres of music and if you don't open yourself up to new experiences how can you truly live?

Check me out getting all philosophical.  

I am fully aware that I choose to write a Heavy Metal food blog so there is  method to my madness.

Basically I was having a wee think to myself about the roots of Heavy Metal.
How it started from Classical music through to Blues and Rock n Roll.
 Hey, I don't need to tell you guys this. I know you already know this stuff .
But it got me thinking about some old Rock n Roll bands that I love and about Metal bands that cover the songs. 

Then I started thinking about all the great songs that Metal bands have covered.

And we all know that Metal bands do brilliant covers.

Marylin Manson's cover of Eurythmics "sweet Dreams". 
Faith No More's brilliant cover of The Commodores "Easy" to name but a few.

So here is a selection of my favorite covers by Metal bands. I hope you enjoy them as much as I do.

And remember there are some really good recipes at the end of this. I suggest playing the songs while you make the recipes.
Cooking is more fun while you're dancing around the kitchen and singing into your wooden spoon.
Especially if your in your pants.





Pork, apple and Gorgonzola sausage rolls

Ingredients

makes 16 (and 2 burger patties)
You can substitute the pork with vegetarian haggis for a veggie roll. It works really well. 

500g pork mince NOT sausage meat
1 small leek washed and diced finely
1 Bramly apple 
125g Gorgonzola
Quarter teaspoon dried thyme
300g pack ready rolled puff pastry (I used Just Roll. It was the perfect size)
Quarter teaspoon each of salt and pepper
1 egg yolk whisked with a drop of water 

Heat the oven to 200 degrees or equivalent.
Mix the pork mince, leek, thyme,salt and pepper together.

Grate in the apple and crumble in the Gorgonzola and give it a mix, trying not to break up the Gorgonzola too much.

Get your puff pastry and cut it into two strips. 
Take pieces of the filling and lay in a strip down the middle of each pastry strip. You should have enough mix left to make two big burgers as you don't want to over fill the sausage rolls or you won't get the pastry round them.

Fold the pastry around the sausage meat and give it a gentle roll. Turn the seal over to the bottom side.

Using a very sharp knife cut each giant sausage roll into 8.

Place the sausage rolls onto a greased or parchment lined baking sheet and brush with the egg yolk mix. 
I topped mine with crispy onions but you could leave them plain or use poppy or sesame seeds if you want decoration.

Place in the oven and cook for 30 to 35 minutes until meat is cooked through and pastry is golden.

Leave for about 5 minutes until you eat or you'll burn your bloody lips off.

Funnily enough I like dipping my sausage rolls into sweet chilli sauce. It's good. That was Kath's idea. Thanks Kath. XXX

Gratuitous tattoo shot

Cocktail Monday proudly presents Black Breath

To all of you on "STOPTOBER".

Don't read any further.

And also............... BITE ME!

There's no such thing as "I'm not drinking this month" in the language of a Glaswegian.

Heresy I say, Heresy. 

Unless of course you are a recovering alcoholic. Then fair play to ye.  

So cocktail Monday has returned with a cheeky little recipe involving the nemesis of all civilized nights out. 

JAGERMEISTER!

Ah, Jagermeister. That marvelous little gleaming black shot.
"'I'll just have the one, y'know. To get me in the party mood".

8 shots later and you've got your knickers on your head, you've made best pals with a bunch of Hell's Angels, you've got someone's house plant in your pocket and your dancing like Prince in the middle of the street. 

Not speaking from experience or anything.

I've named this cocktail after the band Black Breath. They are from Seattle (my spiritual home) and sound "Entombedy". That's a new adjective I made up. 

They also seem to have resurrected Cliff Burton from the dead. Oh I'm sorry, are you too young to know who that is??????????







I'm going to do this cocktail recipe in picture form because after a few you won't be able to read anymore.

Disclaimer
Appetite of Destruction takes no responsibility for any damage, criminal activity or loss of limbs due to drinking this cocktail.

Black Breath

You will need

One large glass.

Lots of ice. Polar bear optional.

25ml shot black vodka. Preferably the above brand.

25ml Jagermeister

Half a bottle of alcoholic ginger beer. 

100ml Apple juice

Cocktail umbrella

Enjoy responsibly. Please.

A feast fit for a circle pit.

Well with the new Annihilator album out this year, what better way than to celebrate with a FEAST (get it, get it).

Now most people these days say they don't have a lot of time for cooking.  I say "BULLSHIT"!

Here's my tricks for COOKING FOR A CROWD.

What you want to do is to make life easy for yourself. 
You don't want to be standing in the kitchen all night slaving over a hot stove while your buddies circle pit in your living room. 

No, no. You wanna fling everything in the oven, strap on your spiky armbands and go join in that shit.

Word of advice though....... Don't circle pit in a room with artexing. You'll get skint elbows. 

This recipe is a bung it all in an oven tray and pap it in the oven dish. 
Easy peasy lemon squeasy. 
POOF! and it's done.

Chicken tray bake for a crowd
Feeds 12

You'll need a BIG DEEP oven tray. Ooh Er matron!

Before cooking

After cooking.

Ingredients

12 boneless and skinnless chicken thighs (the best bit of the chicken. Although Hannibal Lector says to go for the Oysters).
3 red onions peeled and cut into wedges
2 x 500g pack baby carrots tops removed
3 punnets cherry tomatoes
500g trimmed green beans halved
1 Kg baby potatoes sliced thinly
4 cloves garlic sliced thinly
1 tablespoon tomato paste
1 tablespoon mustard
1 teaspoon soy sauce
1 teaspoon Worcestershire sauce
1 chicken jelly sock cube
300ml water
Salt and pepper
2 tablespoons olive oil

Heat your oven to 190 degrees or equivalent.
Stick everything in a large oven tray and mix well to make sure everything is coated.
Leave to sit for 15 minutes.

Circle pit.

Pap it in the oven.
Leave for 35 to 40 minutes, stirring every now and then. Make sure the chicken is cooked through. You can circle pit while you wait.

Serve.

Wait 30 minutes then circle pit some more. Don't blame me if you puke.

Machine Head always give good  Circle Pit.

Now I've been in a Machine Head Circle Pit before.
 It was terrifying and exhilarating at the same time. 
I lost my shoes. 
Once you go in you can't get back out till it stops.
JUST KEEP RUNNING and feel free to scream the entire time. That's what I did.
 Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

Is it like licking a goat?

Hello there one and all.

Today's blog is not about a recipe but about a little shop called CHEESE WORKS in Cheltenham.

This shop is amazing. It is a cheese lovers paradise. Full of cheesy wonders, cured meats, bread, olives, wine, chutneys, oils and............... staff who may or may not be slightly terrified of me?????????????

Check out the website http://thecheeseworks.co.uk/

As a leaving Glasgow gift my buddies Pauline and Debbie bought me a £60 voucher for Cheese Works.
That's right. £60!
WOW. My girls know I like my cheese.

Maybe I'm a little bit like Wallace as in Wallace and Gromit?

Cheeeeeeeeeeeeeeese Gromit.

Well, I clutched my vouchers and ran to the shop.
I was a bit over excited about the prospect of all the cheese.
I went in and stood wild eyed for about 20 seconds.
Just long enough I think to make the guys behind the counter think I was slightly unhinged (I am).

The girl made a run for it so it was left to the unlucky handsome young lad to serve me. Mwaaaah ha haaaa.

Well I had no idea what I wanted but "said" unlucky lad was very helpful and went through everything with me.
Damn that boy knew his cheeses.

Here's what I got

Look at the Brie, just LOOK at it. Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.

And this was the end result which I shared with Holley. Classy eh?You know it.

Well, I had my last cheese to pick and thought that I quite fancied a goats cheese.
Now I can't remember exactly what I got but the lad suggested one to me but said " If you like it quite goaty, then you'll like this".

My reply? 
I leaned in slowly and asked in my best M&S voice "Is it like licking a goat?" 
After which I flashed him a maniacal smile with raised eyebrows.

He laughed nervously. But didn't answer.

I came back a few weeks later waving more vouchers about and shouted "I'm back". The guy scarpered this time and the girl was left to serve me. She was really nice.

Oh how I  do like to like to make young handsome lads feel uncomfortable.

And I still have some vouchers left. Mwah hahahahahahahahaha!

I have a whole other story about trying to chat up a guy when I worked at the cake shop while wearing  a hair net and pretending I was a Latino inmate at San Quentin trying to sell him some smokes.
I know, I'm a classy burd.

This how I pictured myself in the above scene

The reality of what I probably looked like.

So I am officially a  Goat whore

Here's a video by Goatwhore. Enjoy.

And if you live in Cheltenham or surrounding area, please visit Cheese works. You won't be disappointed.

Tell them I sent ya!