Lynetta's Nigel Slayer Pantera-tone pudding. Oh yes!

Ah, a first on my little blog.
 A recipe has kindly been donated by my beautiful friend Lynne.
Here is said email which I have put in full so as to prove how well she knows me.
So here's to you Lynetta. Thanks for getting into the Heavy Metal food and frolics spirit with me. XXX

Lynnetta likes Big Hunks



Pantera-tone pudding. It looks lovely and sticky sweet. Yum yum.

Here is said email.............

Hello mysterious blogging chefette,
I thought I would send you the Pantera-tone Pudding I made today to use up leftover Panettone from Christmas.  I know I should have listened to Pantera when I made this, but the Columbo with Johnny Cash in it was on telly at the time so I had that as my soundtrack in honour of your love of the genius cop man.  Photo evidence attached.
Lynetta x

Nigel Slayer's Pantera-tone Pudding

panettone – 325g
marmalade - 5 heaped tablespoons (I used Mackie's Vintage Champagne Marmalade as Champagne goes with every meal in my house)
eggs – 4 large
milk - 500ml
a few drops of vanilla extract
Set the oven at 180˚c/Gas 5.
You will also need a deep ovenproof dish, very lightly buttered.
Slice the panettone thinly.
Melt the marmalade in a small saucepan. Put half of the panettone slices in a dish. Spoon over half of the marmalade.
Break the eggs into a bowl and beat them lightly, then beat in the milk and two or three drops of vanilla extract. Pour half the egg and milk mixture over the panettone.
Add the remaining slices, the rest of the marmalade and the rest of egg and milk. Push the bread down so its soaked through.
Bake in the preheated oven for 35 minutes until it is puffed and golden. Shake it gently, it should wobble but show no sign of uncooked custard. Serve warm, with a pouring of cream.

The God's made me this salad from the Girth of the earth

Hello there my fine friends.
I forgot to ask you all what you got for Christmas? Wooly jumper? Bath smellies? Sweeties?
Well, Santa was good to me. I got a wooly jumper. It was made for me by my Mum. It is black with a giant skull and cross bones on it. I haven't taken it off since Christmas. In fact, I'm wearing it right now as I write this blog.
Thanks Mum. Love yoooooooooooooooou.XXX
I also got a Manowar CD from my sister.

I've never really given Manowar more than a few minutes mild  amusement. Until the past few months that is,when every Friday morning at 9am sharp, Rock Radio ceremoniously plays "Warriors of the World". It's a tradition apparently.
Damn, It's just so catchy. I'm usually in work and elbow deep in butter icing by this time. Yes, I know my job is girly and twee but I make up for it by wearing a rockin bandanna and big spiky arm bands . OK, I lied about that last part. That would just be silly. I'd be trying to work with cupcakes stuck all over my arms.

Anyhoo, Even Lisa is singing along to it now. We raise our hands up in the air because we are sugary, butter creamed, warriors of the world.



You would naturally assume that these leather clad, greased up, loin clothed metal warriors eat raw meat served upon the naked bodies of beautiful wenches? Well no!Have you seen those guys? The singer alone must have to jump of a mountain to slip into those teeny tiny leather trousers.
No! A metal warrior has to keep his strength and stamina up by eating "super whole foods".
What are super whole foods I hear you say? Well, they are foods which are rich in nutrients, vitamins and minerals and packed full of energy to keep you going through the day and to stop you needing to take sneaky little snack attacks.
These foods are so super that they should be wearing tiny little capes and fly around helping the hungry and the weak. Or maybe tiny little loin cloths, swinging tiny little axes and riding tiny little horses of steel.

So if you want to look like Manowar ,grease yourself up, fight your enemies and don a loin cloth, then tuck into this.

The God's made me this salad from the girth of the earth


serves 2 hungry warriors

Small pack tender stem broccoli
100g Quinoa (It's kinda like cous cous and you can get it from most supermarkets)
1 small raw beetroot
Big hand full pumpkin seeds
Big hand full walnuts
Seeds from 1 pomegranite
Small hand full blueberries
Small pack baby spinach, washed
Big glug olive oil
Juice of 1 lemon
Pinch of salt and pepper

So first you want to cook the quinoa.
Rinse and drain the quinoa then put into a pan with enough water the cover about an inch above the quinoa. Add a pinch of salt and put onto a high heat until water just starts to boil, turn down to a simmer and cook, stirring every now and then for about 5 to 8 minutes until tender. Drain and put into a big mixing bowl and add a little drizzle of olive oil and mix, so the grains don't stick together.
Next, put the broccoli into a microwaveable dish, sprinkle over a little water and seal completely with cling film. Cook on high for 2 minutes. you want the broccoli to still have a bit of bite. Alternatively, stem the broccoli for a few minutes until just tender. Cut into bite sized pieces.
Put the pumpkin seeds and walnuts into a dry frying pan and put on the hob at a medium heat and toast stirring every now and then till lightly toasted all over. Leave to cool.
Next ( and you might want to use gloves for this), grate the beetroot finely into your big bowl that has the quinoa in it. Add the pomegranite seeds and blueberries, spinach, pumpkin seeds, walnuts and broccoli. Squeeze over the juice of the lemon, add a glug of olive oil and a pinch of salt and pepper. Mix lightly and serve.
Can you feel it making you like Manowar?

Is this what Amon Amarth eat for breakfast?

I like Vikings.They look all rugged and manly. I've never actually met one. But I own a Viking drinking horn (http://www.thevikingstore.co.uk/large-drinking-horn-35-p.asp) which i make everyone drink out of at parties.And I have lots of Viking DVDs.  I've even been to Vikingar in Largs. I got to dress up. I was in my twenties.
Come to think of it, I probably wouldn't have liked to meet one. Not much up for the whole raping and pillaging malarky.
Regardless. If you would like to know what Vikings eat for breakfast (No, not the flesh of their enemies) then read on.

This is not a representation of me. My boobs are way bigger. Hee hee.

Oh and here is some Viking Metal for ya.








Kornmjölsgröt (Barley Porridge)

This recipe is adapted from Trine Theut and from Över Öppen Eld Vikingatida Recept (Over an Open Fire Viking Age Recipes),  by the Viking answer lady http://www.vikinganswerlady.com/food.shtml#BarleyPorridge

It's great what you can find on the Internet and i don't pass off other peoples recipes as my own.

 Makes about 4 to 6 servings.

• 10-15 cups of water
• salt
• Two cups of chopped barley kernels, soaked overnight in cold water
• A handful whole grain wheat flour
• A handful crushed hazelnuts
• 3-4 tablespoons of honey

Instead of chopped barley (which to date I haven't been able to get in Texas) I have had very good luck using John McCann Oatmeal, which is not that flat rolled stuff, but rather whole grains which have been steel-cut. I've used the pearl barley that can be obtained for soups and stews with good results as well. I've also gone to my local brewing supply and gotten various types of malted whole grain, including various roasts of barley and wheat, had them run it through the crusher, and used that -- this results in a much sweeter, darker flavor because of the malt and the roasting.

Put the ingredients in a large pot. Pour 10 cups of water in the kettle and heat to a rolling boil. Stir regularly, reducing heat if needed to maintain a low boil. Add water if needed if the mixture starts getting too thick. Cook until done. This takes me about an hour, but I've had it vary.

There are two ways to serve porridge. The first is what Americans would consider "hot breakfast cereal" style. For this type of porridge, about 15 to 20 minutes before the porridge is done, add a cup of chopped fruit, such as apples, pears, rose hips, etc., then serve with fresh cream and some butter on top. Any left-overs may be pressed into a buttered mold and chilled for storage a day or two, then sliced, fried in butter, and served with either a hot fruit compote, or with butter and jam.

Another way to serve porridge is to make it a savory dish. The Poetic Edda mentions the god Þórr eating porridge with herring in it. I've had good results adding chopped chicken, veal, or pork. The meat should be added to the porridge early enough in the cooking process so that it is cooked thoroughly. For fish, this will be closer to the end than it will be for the various meats. You can also add garlic, onion, and other herbs and spices. This makes a hearty, filling dish.

In honour of NOT making any New Years resolutions

Evil Elvis in all his alarmingly camp weirdness

Feed me Seymour!




In celebration of not making any New Years resolutions here is a BIG FAT recipe for you.
Oh and my camera is broken so you're just gonna have to imagine what this should look like.

BIG FAT EVIL ELVIS (Or Glenn Danzig to you andme)

I base this round a recipe for a snack which used to be a favourite of the actual Elvis and was served for a time at Nice 'n Sleazy in Glasgow.
http://nicensleazy.com/

Glen Danzig from the band" Danzig" funnily enough, got the nickname Evil Elvis from Kerrang magazine in the 90's. I think it suits him well.

Serves one very greedy person

2 slices thick white bread
peanut butter
raspberry jam
half a banana
1 egg
splash full fat milk
sugar for sprinkling
pinch cinnamon
drop vanilla essence
Big knob unsalted butter

OK, so spread the peanut butter on one slice of the bread and the raspberry jam on the other. Mash your banana slightly and mush it on top of the peanut butter. Sandwich together.
Next,  in a shallow dish whisk the egg, milk, cinnamon and vanilla together.
Place a frying pan onto a medium heat and just melt the knob of butter.
Dip the sandwich in the eggy mix to coat all over, let the excess drip off and place into the pan.
Cook on each side for a few minutes till golden brown.
Drain on some kitchen paper, sprinkle with sugar and serve.

If you wanna be even more of a big fatty then serve it with some ice cream or thick clotted cream.

YEAH, THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKIN ABOUT JANUARY!

January Detox time

Yeah Right.
Wha ha ha ha ha. You must be kidding.
My New Years resolution is to get Fat! Fat! Fat!




I once did some PR work for Steel Panther. I had to hand out free Steel Panther condoms to the fans to get them to join the mailing list. You would be surprised how many propositions you get from guys just because you are handing out free condoms. I'm just trying to promote safe sex guys.

A fishy tail, a fishy tale, the mushroom and the pea.

I've gone fairy tale fishy bonkers. No not really.
This is an old Christmas fable, passed down through generations of my family through out the centuries. Put some coal on the fire, sit around the Christmas tree and sip some lovely warming spicy mulled wine while you listen to the story...............

Twas a cold and bitter Christmas Eve. Snow covered every inch of the land and it twinkled and glistened like the ground was covered in diamonds.
A poor family from the village sat around the little fire to keep themselves warm.
"What are we going to do Papa. It has been so cold that we have not yet been able to gather food for our Christmas celebrations tomorrow. The children must eat".
 "I don't know Mother. My ankle is hurt real bad from the tumble I took while trying to kill a boar for our supper and when I did manage to hobble to ye' old shoppe in town,  I had to fight to get past the hoards of people buying up twenty and six loaves each and enough milk to fill the bellies of ten families".
The oldest of the daughters, let us call her Angelina. said. "Don't worry Papa, I shall go out and forage for food.
"Oh, Angelina", Mama said. "It is dangerous in the woods at night and bitterly cold. I fear you will not make it home".
"Don't fret Mother I have my fleecy wolf Jumper given to me by my sister and am well skilled in the Martial Art of Dolph Lundgren. I shall be most safe".

" I shall bring us back a feast fit for a King".
Off Angelina goes with her picnic basket into the forest.

Fa la la la la. Angelina skips through the forest humming along to the very festive tune of "Of wolf and man", by Metallica.
"Shape shift........ nose to the wind........ la la la la....".
"Oh look, some little potatoes, just ripe for picking........ move swift...... la la..... all senses cleeeeean.....
 Oh, some spring onions, parsley and dill. That will suit our fine feast, Angelina thought. Oh and  a lemon...... How strange that a lemon tree should be growing in the middle of a forest in winter? Oh well, it is my story after all.

Eventually Angela came to a little stream where she saw a shimmery skinned salmon leaping.
Oooooooh. I think I shall ask the little salmon very nicely if he would mind sacrificing himself for our Christmas feast.

"Oh hello little salmon, how are you? I wonder if you wouldn't mind jumping into my basket as my family are very poor and we need a feast for our Christmas celebrations tomorrow. I would be ever so grateful".

To Angelina's surprise the salmon swam over and said " You're poor family may feast on me but I require something in return".

"Pray tell little salmon, what do you require".

" A kiss from your fair lips"

"Eh? Are you joking mate?"

" No. Just one kiss is all I need".

"OK then".

Angelina leans forward to give the salmon a kiss.

"Bluurgh", says Angelina. "OK, in the basket with you".

The salmon laughed and all of a sudden there was a puff of smoke and there standing in front of her was the   salmon. Huge, as big as herself with legs and arms and razor sharp teeth.

The salmon lunged at Angelina and tried to bite her.
She dived out of the way and made a break for it.
"Come here little pink human", the salmon shouted. " I shall have you and your whole family for my Christmas feast". The gigantic killer salmon chased Angelina through the woods.

Angelina ran as fast as she could, getting scratched by tree branches and frantically trying to out run the killer salmon. All the while it was shouting " I'm going to eat you little pink human, you can't out run me".

Angelina stumbles over a rock, she fights to get up but it's too late. The salmon in standing right in front of her, sharp teeth and jaws salivating ready for the kill.

" I told you, you couldn't out run me, prepare to die".

Angelina, scared and wide eyed looked around her for help. There was no one, no weapons she could use. She closed her eyes and thought......................................................
What would Dolph Lundgren do?

Angelina opened her eyes.
The salmon growled " Get in my belly little pink human".

Angelina looked the salmon, coldly straight in the eyes and said
 " Like f*#k I will, Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa".

Angelina ran at the salmon and busted some kick ass Lundgren moves. It was a brutal fight, blood everywhere. Skin torn, teeth knocked out. It seemed to last a life time. With one last round kick blow the salmon went down.
Angelina fell to her knees, gasping for breath. When she looked up she saw the carnage that was left.

The salmon was in flakes all over the place. The potato was mashed to a pulp. The spring onions, parsley and dill had been chopped to pieces. And the poor little lemon, well it had been skinned and grated in the fight.

"Oh my, I'd better stick all this stuff into my basket and get home before any more killer fish come to eat me".
That's the last time I kiss a slimy git, she thought and laughed away to herself.

She put all the food into her basket and skipped off back home.
"Earth's giiiiiiift..........Back to meaning of.......... LIFE. Dun nun nun nun nun.

So the poor family from the village had a fine feast on that Christmas day of salmon fish cakes with lemon mayonaise and wilted spinach. They drank and danced round the tree and Angelina never forgot the lesson she had learned that cold winters eve.

80's action flicks save lives!




Oh wait, there was a recipe in all of this.

Hot Smoked Salmon Fishcakes with Lemon Mayo and wilted spinach.

If you want to make these vegetarian then you can use shitake mushrooms and peas instead of the salmon. Just remove the stalks from the mushrooms and fry in a little oil till soft. Cook the peas for a few minutes  until tender and put them into the potato and herb mix

makes 12  fishcakes

Ingredients
125g hot smoked (or freshly ass kicked) salmon,  Or 2 big hand fulls shitake mushrooms and 1 big hand full fresh or frozen peas
2 large potatoes (not baking potatoes)
2 lemons
6 spring onions sliced into thin rings
hand full fresh parsley chopped fine
hand full fresh dill chopped fine
2 big hand full breadcrumbs.  Not the crappy orange stuff.
Pinch salt and pepper
4 tbsp mayonaise
Small pack spinach washed
Olive oil
Sunflower or vegetable oil for frying

First peel and wash your potatoes and cut into chunks. Cook in boiling salted water until tender. Usually about 10 minutes.
Drain and leave to cool for a few minutes then mash with a glug of olive oil.
Add the salmon flakes, (or mushrooms and peas) spring onions, herbs, salt, pepper and the zest of 1 lemon. Mix through.

Form into 4 large or 12 small cakes then coat with the bread crumbs. Place in the fridge for about half an hour if making right away or you can wait till the next day to finish.

To make the mayo, simply put into a bowl and add the zest and juice of the other lemon.

Heat a frying pan on a medium heat with one third of oil. When hot add the fishcakes. You might need to do this in two batches so you are not over filling the pan. Fry the fishcakes for a few minutes on each side until golden brown, drain on kitchen paper and keep warm.

Put your spinach into the pan and cook for only a few seconds until just wilted. Put the spinach onto your plates top with the fishcakes, add a dollop of the mayo and serve with a wedge of lemon to drizzle over.

This can be used as a starter for your Christmas dinner or a main if you don't like turkey so much.

I hope you enjoyed the Christmas fable.

I told you how much I like pork. Didn't I?

This little piggy went to market, this little piggy stayed at home, this little piggy had roast beef, this little piggy had none. And this little piggy went wee wee wee into my belly. Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.


Anyone I know will tell you I love pork. I love it so much i think I may turn into a little curly tailed pig if I eat any more.If I did turn into a little piggy I wold cover myself in BBQ sauce, stick myself in a low oven, go for a little nap for 4 hours then get out and gobble myself all up. That would be a good way to leave this mortal coil. Yum yum yum.


Here is a video from Stuck Mojo. Rap Metal at it's most glorious.





And now for the recipe. If you want to make this for  vegetarian then substitute the pork for thickly sliced aubergine and cook in the oven for 40 minutes to one hour.

Sticky, Licky BBQ pork

Ingredients serves 2

4 thick strips of pork belly
1 tbsp thick sweet soy sauce
1 tsp Worcestershire sauce
2 tbsp tomato ketchup
1 tbsp balsamic vinegar
2 tsp smoked Cajun seasoning
1 tbsp maple syrup
half tsp dry mustard powder

Mix all the ingredients together in a bowl or dish and marinade in the fridge for 6 to 12 hours.

Heat your oven to 160 or equivalent. Pop your meat or aubergine into a roasting tray, pour over the marinade add 100ml water and mix.

If using pork, cook in the oven for 2 and a half hours until meltingly tender. If using aubergine cook for 40 minutes to one hour.

I had mine with mashed potato. it was good and warming.  God I love pork.