Yes, it's that time of year again. CHRISTMAS.
Deck your halls with crap loads of tacky decorations. Put up your Christmas tree. Drink hot Mulled wine and listen to Cliff Richard........... Wait, scrap that. Listen to this instead.
I have no idea what the video is all about.
This years Christmas blog is all about THE GIFTS. If like me you hate going shopping and fighting your way through the angry "Oh look at me, I left it really late to get gifts and now I'm taking it out on the whole world because I'm a lazy shit" people.
Well, then you can make these tasty food treats in the comfort of your own home while blasting Heavy Metal so loud that you can taste it in the food. Yeah, go on. Taste the METAL!
So this year I'm making Jack n Coke truffles, Frangipan mince pies, Roast cherry tomato and chilli chutney and Bacon and maple Bourbon (yes I know it sounds weird but just wait till you try it).
But first things first. Here's a wee poem for you to get you in the Christmas spirit.
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| Rock n Roll Santa (taken from www.heavymetalgeek.com) |
Twas the night before Christmas when all through the house,
There sifted the smell of beefy stew and roast Grouse.
The stockings were hung, with blue tak on the wall,
And no one was thinking of Santa at all.
I was warm and cosy and snug in my bed,
While too much mulled wine swam around in my head.
With my warm winter jammies and red Santa cap,
I curled up like a baby for a long winter's nap.
When outside the window there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from my bed, bat in hand, heads to shatter.
Away to the window I flew like a flash,
Pulled open the window, was ready to smash (like the hulk).
It was pure dark outside and all covered in snow,
The fluster and wine gave my cheeks quite a glow.
When what to my bleary eyes should appear,
But a miniature sleigh and 8 tiny reindeer (WTF).
With a little old driver, so lively and quick,
I knew in a moment I was gonna be sick.
Clearly I'm mad, seeing things in the snow,
Mini Santa shouted and whistled, my head hurting in woe.
"Now Dasher, now Dancer, now Prancer and Vixen,
On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen".
It made me so mad to be woken at all,
Don't care if you're Santa, this aint making my lol (crap text speak).
Dry leaves got scattered as they started to fly,
Leaves came through the window and got in my eye.
So up to the top of the house Santa flew,
With me shouting behind him "I'm gonna kill you".
And then in an instant, I heard on the roof,
The banging and scratching of each bloody hoof.
I sneaked with my bat to the living room bound,
And there stood St Nick, breaking and entering, no sound.
He was dressed all in fur, oh what a faux pas,
So you can afford all the real stuff, well La bloody Dah!
A bundle of toys, he had flung on his back,
Do I look like I'm 5, I'm gonna smother him with his sack.
His eyes, they were beady, his nostrils all hairy,
With his big ruddy face, he looked kinda scary.
He'd clearly been eating, too many pies,
Obese you may say, what a sight for the eyes.
He went straight for my mince pies, and gave out a laugh,
If he takes one more step, Santa will suffer my wrath.
With a wink in his eye and a twist of his head,
I bashed him over the skull. I was sure he was dead.
He spoke not a word and I gave him a kick,
Yup he's a gonner, better bury the body quick.
I pulled him by the feet and buried him well,
I better get those reindeer too, oh bloody hell!
Well the next day at dinner, I served up the stew,
"what's this", they all said. "It's reindeer, the recipe's new".
They ate it all up with such sheer delight,
That'll teach Santa. Happy Christmas to all, and to all a goodnight.
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| So where's Santa? |
Hee, hee, hee. Or should I say Ho, Ho, Ho.
I'm only kidding Santa. I love you really. Oh by the way, here's my list for this year. I promise I have been a very, very good girl.
Dear Santa,
Please may I have for Christmas this year
Big spiky Metal armbands like Kerry King's
A snazzy new camera to take pictures for my blog
A big black hotrod with flames up the side , and last but not least
Pepper Keenan circa 1993. Oh hell, you might as well throw in Eddie Vedder too.
Thanks Santa. I love you.
OK, so on with the recipes.
Jack and Coke truffles
Makes about 40
Ingredients:
50g dulce de leche (or tinned caramel)
250g semi sweet dark chocolate
50g unsalted butter
100ml Jack n Coke (from ready to drink can, so handy)
100ml double cream
For dusting
50g cocoa powder
50g toasted crushed pecans
Put your dark chocolate, dulce de leche and butter into a large heatproof bowl.
Put the double cream and Jack n coke into a pot and heat until just before boiling.
Pour the cream and jack mix into the bowl of chocolate and mix until everything is smoooooooth.
Leave to cool for 10 minutes and then put into the fridge.
Leave until set enough that it is still soft enough to roll into a ball.
This is the bit where it gets messy.
Put the 50g cocoa powder and crushed pecans into a bowl and mix.
Scoop out enough choc mix to make a small ball.
Dust your hands with extra cocoa and roll the chocolate into balls then roll into the cocoa, pecan mix till coated. Once your chocolates are all rolled, pack into nice boxes and store in da fridge till you give em out.
They won't last a day once they are given out. Yeehaw.
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| Don't mess with this Santa. |
Bacon and Maple Bourbon
The recipe pretty much involves putting lots of lovely smokey flavour into the Bourbon and best bit of all is you get to eat all the bacon while you are making the Bourbon. Yum, Yum.
One bottle off good Bourbon
100ml Maple syrup
1 pack (about 12 slices) very good quality smoked streaky bacon
Coffee filter or muslin
OK, first you want to put the Bourbon into a big jug or bowl and whisk in the maple syrup. Keep your bottle.
Cook off your bacon in a pan or oven tray under the grill then pour ALL the fat into the Bourbon. Eat the bacon.
Leave for a few hours then store in the freezer over night.
Next day put the muslin or coffee filter paper into a funnel and pour the Bourbon back into the bottle, bit by bit. Have a little taste then put the lid back on. And make up your own label to put on the bottle.
This is excellent over ice or with ginger beer. Mmmmmmmmm.
Frangipan mince pies
Makes 24
Ingredients:
for the pastry
420g plain flour
300g cold unsalted butter cubed
50g icing sugar
50g caster sugar
2 large eggs
For the Frangipan
220g soft unsalted butter
300g ground almonds
300g caster sugar
4 large eggs
50g flaked almonds
400g jar good quality mincemeat
Demerara sugar
You will need two 12 hole deep muffin tins.
To make the pastry put all the ingredients except the eggs into a food processor and whizz on med till it looks like bread crumbs. (if you don't have a food processor then rub the butter into the flour and sugar with your fingertips till you get a breadcrumb consistency, whisk the eggs then mix lightly into flour and mix until just incorporated).
Add the eggs and pulse till the dough just comes together.
Flour your work surface and put the dough on top and knead lightly until smooth. leave for a few minutes.
Grease your muffin tins lightly (I used oil spray).
Flour your work surface and rolling pin and roll the dough till about 3mm thick.
Cut out 5inch rings and press lightly into each muffin mould.
You will need to lightly knead your scraps all roll out to get the 24.
Put into the fridge. You do not need to pre bake the cases for this recipe.
To make the frangipan, put the butter, ground almonds and sugar into a food processor and whizz on medium until smooth. while whizzing add the eggs one at a time and whizz till smooth. Put into a tub and leave in the fridge for 15 minutes.
To make the frangipan by hand just mix the butter, sugar and almonds together with a wooden spoon till smooth. Add eggs one at a time beating till incorporated before adding each egg.
Pre heat your oven to 160 degrees fan, or 180 degrees or equivalent.
Take your pastry cases out the fridge and pop a teaspoon of mincemeat into each and flatten.
Place a tablespoon of frangipan into each case and level. top each mince pie with a few flaked almonds and sprinle over some demerara sugar.
Bake in the oven for about 30 minutes until nice and golden brown on top.
Leave to cool on a wire rack then package. Eat within 5 days. Alternatively, you can freeze them for up to 3 months.
Roast Cherry tomato and Chilli Chutney
All I can say is this chutney is AWESOME!
Ingredients:
600g good quality cherry tomatoes
1 small onion diced fine
Half teaspoon dried chilli flakes
Quarter teaspoon cumin seeds
Quarter teaspoon corriander seeds
100g caster sugar
100ml red wine vinegar
big hand full fresh corriander
salt and pepper
Small glug olive oil
Pre heat your oven to 220 degrees or equivalent. Put a wee bit of oil into a roasting tray, pop in your cherry tomatoes and roast until soft and turning a little bit brown . About 20 minutes.
Get yourself a heavy bottomed pan add the olive oil and heat on medium. Add the chilli flakes, corriander and cumin seeds and cook for a minute or two till fragrant. Do not burn.
Add the diced onions and cook for a few minutes stirring every now and then till softened.
Add the cherry tomatoes, red wine vinegar, caster sugar, salt and pepper. Mix.
Bring to a low simmer and cook for about 40 minutes, stirring every now and then until thickened. You want a consistency that's a bit runnier than chutney as it will thicken as it cools.
Chop the corriander and mix through the chutney then put into steralised jars while hot and seal.
Leave for a few days.
This will keep for a year unopened. Once opened store in the fridge and use within 3 months.
It goes with everything. EVERYTHING!
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