I've gone fairy tale fishy bonkers. No not really.
This is an old Christmas fable, passed down through generations of my family through out the centuries. Put some coal on the fire, sit around the Christmas tree and sip some lovely warming spicy mulled wine while you listen to the story...............
Twas a cold and bitter Christmas Eve. Snow covered every inch of the land and it twinkled and glistened like the ground was covered in diamonds.
A poor family from the village sat around the little fire to keep themselves warm.
"What are we going to do Papa. It has been so cold that we have not yet been able to gather food for our Christmas celebrations tomorrow. The children must eat".
"I don't know Mother. My ankle is hurt real bad from the tumble I took while trying to kill a boar for our supper and when I did manage to hobble to ye' old shoppe in town, I had to fight to get past the hoards of people buying up twenty and six loaves each and enough milk to fill the bellies of ten families".
The oldest of the daughters, let us call her Angelina. said. "Don't worry Papa, I shall go out and forage for food.
"Oh, Angelina", Mama said. "It is dangerous in the woods at night and bitterly cold. I fear you will not make it home".
"Don't fret Mother I have my fleecy wolf Jumper given to me by my sister and am well skilled in the Martial Art of Dolph Lundgren. I shall be most safe".
" I shall bring us back a feast fit for a King".
Off Angelina goes with her picnic basket into the forest.
Fa la la la la. Angelina skips through the forest humming along to the very festive tune of "Of wolf and man", by Metallica.
"Shape shift........ nose to the wind........ la la la la....".
"Oh look, some little potatoes, just ripe for picking........ move swift...... la la..... all senses cleeeeean.....
Oh, some spring onions, parsley and dill. That will suit our fine feast, Angelina thought. Oh and a lemon...... How strange that a lemon tree should be growing in the middle of a forest in winter? Oh well, it is
my story after all.
Eventually Angela came to a little stream where she saw a shimmery skinned salmon leaping.
Oooooooh. I think I shall ask the little salmon very nicely if he would mind sacrificing himself for our Christmas feast.
"Oh hello little salmon, how are you? I wonder if you wouldn't mind jumping into my basket as my family are very poor and we need a feast for our Christmas celebrations tomorrow. I would be ever so grateful".
To Angelina's surprise the salmon swam over and said " You're poor family may feast on me but I require something in return".
"Pray tell little salmon, what do you require".
" A kiss from your fair lips"
"Eh? Are you joking mate?"
" No. Just one kiss is all I need".
"OK then".
Angelina leans forward to give the salmon a kiss.
"Bluurgh", says Angelina. "OK, in the basket with you".
The salmon laughed and all of a sudden there was a puff of smoke and there standing in front of her was the salmon. Huge, as big as herself with legs and arms and razor sharp teeth.
The salmon lunged at Angelina and tried to bite her.
She dived out of the way and made a break for it.
"Come here little pink human", the salmon shouted. " I shall have you and your whole family for
my Christmas feast". The gigantic killer salmon chased Angelina through the woods.
Angelina ran as fast as she could, getting scratched by tree branches and frantically trying to out run the killer salmon. All the while it was shouting " I'm going to eat you little pink human, you can't out run me".
Angelina stumbles over a rock, she fights to get up but it's too late. The salmon in standing right in front of her, sharp teeth and jaws salivating ready for the kill.
" I told you, you couldn't out run me, prepare to die".
Angelina, scared and wide eyed looked around her for help. There was no one, no weapons she could use. She closed her eyes and thought......................................................
What would Dolph Lundgren do?
Angelina opened her eyes.
The salmon growled " Get in my belly little pink human".
Angelina looked the salmon, coldly straight in the eyes and said
" Like f*#k I will, Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa".
Angelina ran at the salmon and busted some kick ass Lundgren moves. It was a brutal fight, blood everywhere. Skin torn, teeth knocked out. It seemed to last a life time. With one last round kick blow the salmon went down.
Angelina fell to her knees, gasping for breath. When she looked up she saw the carnage that was left.
The salmon was in flakes all over the place. The potato was mashed to a pulp. The spring onions, parsley and dill had been chopped to pieces. And the poor little lemon, well it had been skinned and grated in the fight.
"Oh my, I'd better stick all this stuff into my basket and get home before any more killer fish come to eat me".
That's the last time I kiss a slimy git, she thought and laughed away to herself.
She put all the food into her basket and skipped off back home.
"Earth's giiiiiiift..........Back to meaning of.......... LIFE. Dun nun nun nun nun.
So the poor family from the village had a fine feast on that Christmas day of salmon fish cakes with lemon mayonaise and wilted spinach. They drank and danced round the tree and Angelina never forgot the lesson she had learned that cold winters eve.
80's action flicks save lives!
Oh wait, there was a recipe in all of this.
Hot Smoked Salmon Fishcakes with Lemon Mayo and wilted spinach.
If you want to make these vegetarian then you can use shitake mushrooms and peas instead of the salmon. Just remove the stalks from the mushrooms and fry in a little oil till soft. Cook the peas for a few minutes until tender and put them into the potato and herb mix
makes 12 fishcakes
Ingredients
125g hot smoked (or freshly ass kicked) salmon, Or 2 big hand fulls shitake mushrooms and 1 big hand full fresh or frozen peas
2 large potatoes (not baking potatoes)
2 lemons
6 spring onions sliced into thin rings
hand full fresh parsley chopped fine
hand full fresh dill chopped fine
2 big hand full breadcrumbs. Not the crappy orange stuff.
Pinch salt and pepper
4 tbsp mayonaise
Small pack spinach washed
Olive oil
Sunflower or vegetable oil for frying
First peel and wash your potatoes and cut into chunks. Cook in boiling salted water until tender. Usually about 10 minutes.
Drain and leave to cool for a few minutes then mash with a glug of olive oil.
Add the salmon flakes, (or mushrooms and peas) spring onions, herbs, salt, pepper and the zest of 1 lemon. Mix through.
Form into 4 large or 12 small cakes then coat with the bread crumbs. Place in the fridge for about half an hour if making right away or you can wait till the next day to finish.
To make the mayo, simply put into a bowl and add the zest and juice of the other lemon.
Heat a frying pan on a medium heat with one third of oil. When hot add the fishcakes. You might need to do this in two batches so you are not over filling the pan. Fry the fishcakes for a few minutes on each side until golden brown, drain on kitchen paper and keep warm.
Put your spinach into the pan and cook for only a few seconds until just wilted. Put the spinach onto your plates top with the fishcakes, add a dollop of the mayo and serve with a wedge of lemon to drizzle over.
This can be used as a starter for your Christmas dinner or a main if you don't like turkey so much.
I hope you enjoyed the Christmas fable.
